How Are You Being Today? The Happiness of Doing Less.

I keep my plate over full most of the time. When the holidays roll around I usually try to see how much I can balance on top of that already full plate. I always regret it and sometimes end up sick, having depleting myself of the vital energy required to keep my immune system strong. When I remember why I’m doing too much and that doing less always feels better, I slip into an effortless flow that always sustains me and creates enough energy to get more done, without getting sick.

So why do I fall back into the bad pattern of over-filling that plate, time and time again, when I know better? I was taught from an early age that doing has more worth than just being. That my accomplishments are what define me. From school to sports, to job and family, you can see the trail of effort I have left behind me, all in an attempt to be a good girl, feel that I matter, and be worthy of love.

“Your happiness is the most responsible thing in the Universe,” Mary says to me. I flick my eyes from their gaze on the floor to her face, in full recognition of the power of her statement. We had been discussing the reasons for my triggers in life, those moments that shut us down, make us feel like crap and cause us to give up on our most precious dreams.

Something clicked for me in that moment. The way she linked my childhood moments of shame to my current reactions in my relationships and life was like turning the final key on a ring. The one that fit.

Tears held recognition of a lifetime of doing to fill a hole that could never be filled by doing. That feeling eased out of my chest and flittered off into the ether somewhere. I could feel it lift in my moment of awareness. I am allowed to love myself, I’m worthy of that love, just by being me, and no other person gets to take that away.

Being is enough.

When I sit back into stillness and really feel the enough of being, things get very quiet and easy. It becomes less about doing to figure out who I am, and more about doing things that shine my already bright light. That’s a different kind of doing.

I love this! My doing can come from my being. Whatever expression comes from me, from that deeper awareness, is love-worthy, perfect, divine. When I do from being, I accomplish so much more than when I do things to fill my plate, looking for ways to feel good about myself and moving like a zombie through life, on a never-ending search for more.

I laugh out loud thinking of my son’s explanation of his new video game, “The zombie spawns are increased in more populated areas. When you get to the less populated areas, where things are more deserted, there aren’t as many zombies and there isn’t much to do.”

“When you are punished for being you as a child, you learn that being yourself is bad or wrong,” Mary continues and helps me understand the deep and early wound. More tears fall and it’s a long moment before I manage to squeak out the words, “Why would anyone punish a kid for being a kid? It’s not right.”

We chatted a bit more about how kids run around with an amazing amount of energy and enthusiasm, expressing themselves, their true selves, without inhibition, until they are told to shut up. In my case, being told to shut up was the curse of my life, with a feeling of unworthiness that followed me well into my 40’s.

Now, as my energy and enthusiasm surfaces again after all those years, I have to be aware of the people in my life who try to shut me up with their opinions, criticisms or judgements and trigger that three year old that sits in the middle of my heart. I cower, feeling like a bad girl, and immediately stop expressing myself, for fear of punishment.

With the connection found and pulled apart, the present day trigger doesn’t have to mean a shut down anymore. The miracle is in the busting up of that psychological trigger, and releasing the emotion from it’s original source in my body-mind. Mary does it with EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, or tapping. “I feel like she dislodged the ice pick that was stuck in the middle of my chest,” I describe the feeling of freedom to a friend afterward.

After our session I don’t feel a need to do anything. It’s a peaceful but unfamiliar feeling. There’s no urge to find something to do or fill the hole. Just sitting there breathing feels good and right. Just being me feels like enough.

I go about the rest of my day like this, wondering if it will stick. I know from my past experiences with her that it will. That I will have to reorganize myself around the new me, and that I can trust that something has permanently shifted.

“What did you write about?” I’ve been anticipating this question from my husband for months but it shoots and sticks like a throwing knife into the bullseye in the center of my chest. “You aren’t planning on publishing any of that?” He continues with the part that I have dreaded, forcing me to choose being me over being a good girl.

“Why don’t you read it?” I offer. He walks away. My crazy mind conjures up Jack Nicholson…”You can’t handle the truth!” It takes everything inside of me not to go clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, rearrange the kitchen cupboards, finish a work project and plan our next family trip. I get still instead, and I touch the sadness, gently rubbing my chest with my palm, and remind myself that I am good, and worthy and responsible for my own happiness.

I am allowed to be me. Being is enough. I get to decide when to speak or not. Disapproval does not mean I am bad. I can stop trying to fill a hole that can never be filled with more doing. I am allowed to be happy, in fact happiness is the most responsible thing! I can put less on my plate and nourish myself with the most important food…love.

Laura Probert, MPT is the owner of Bodyworks Physical Therapy, and Soul Camp LLC. She is a published author, healer and black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Find out more about her healing, writing and kicking passions here: www.bodyworksptonline.com